An apple a day.

I have definitely learned something these past couple weeks. No, really, I have. It has been probably the most melancholy, down, lonely couple of weeks I have ever experienced, and I have learned a few things about myself, life and a few people I know that I really would like to jot down.
First off, myself. I can never actually let go of anything. I often try to convince myself that everything is okay and maybe for a day or two, I really will be fine and dandy, but the cycle always repeats itself. I need to learn how to handle my feelings better. Now, others. I cannot always expect the same feelings towards others, or the same things from others, and I should really stop treating others like they are NPCs in a video game. Two people are not the same. Two relationships are never the same. So why should I expect the same things from two totally, entirely different and separate relationships, when they give me equally good feelings?
Why should I expect so much from people, anyway? It is not like I give that much to anybody. The most I really give anybody is a, "Oh, I'm sorry, anything I can do to help?", or a "Oh, that's cute!" or a weird look that makes them think I believe they are nut jobs and they should hide their real personality from me to make me stop looking at them like I had been. Maybe even the occasional "Everything will be alright, I promise", or "meow", but...really. I just need to learn to take things in stride. I need to get myself out there and make some sort of a difference.
Also. I am sure you have noticed. People are so goddamn stupid. For a while, I really was adjusting to people. I still am. I still adore many more people than I used to. I see more things in others that I never saw before, because I always focused on the bad sides, and I believed that everyone was ugly. But that is not true. Only SOME are. I say this because of a few people I encounter at school every day. Um, well, especially this one kid. He is not all bad. Really. He is just so outrageously stupid that he makes me want to beat the everliving shit out of him. Instead, I just cheer him on. Whenever I walk by, he meows, hisses or barks at me because I wear a cat hat. Ohh, you are so clever, you smug little rascal! So I meow back and hold my hand up like a paw. Just like a STUPID little chimp, he laughs and jumps around and points with his DOLTISH little thick-headed monkies of friends. It really makes my day, watching people like this. Really, really, really, I must say. However, it makes me sad that so many kids are like this. Makes me wonder what kind of world my kid will end up growing up in. I swear, one more generation of inbreeding and we'll have ourselves a new breed of retard. Oh well, world will probably end in a couple of years anyway.
One last thing. Is it wrong to hate someone who is retarded in any way because of the way they act, even though technically, they do not know any better? I would honestly like to know. This almost relates to my good versus evil post... I mean... it really is the same thing. They do not know any better, so it does not make what they do wrong. But is disliking them because of what they do wrong? I mean. I know two. This one, the first thing she said to me was, "Wow. I HATE you.", and ever since I really have not liked her one bit. I try. It is not like I go out of my way to be nice OR mean to her, or the guy, but just everything they do BOTHERS ME SO BADLY that I just ignore them even if they are addressing me. So... I do not know. I feel bad whenever I talk about it, is it wrong? Raugh.

Some more random shout-outs- you need to guess which one's yours, since I don't want to put names on here:

*I feel bad for never saying anything really lovely about you. I do not think I treat you as well as I should. I just want to let you know that every time I think of you, I slouch low in my chair and smile wide, my eyes closed and I am as comfortable as if you were there with me. Then I always imagine us taking a nap together, or...just, anything, together, happy. You make me feel so intensely lighthearted that...I do not even know how to describe it. But, thank you. I love you darling.
*I love you. I love you so, so much. And you tell me you love me too. But, what makes you think I would consider you as a lover, when I have seen you push through over five different boys within a few months time? What makes you think you will value me any more than those people, who loved you? You really need to consider my feelings too, hon.
*I miss you so freakishly much; but I fear that I am imposing. I am very happy for you and her, I am. I wonder if my feelings are of jealousy or something, but then I remember what we talked about that one night, and I realize now that I am feeling exactly what you told me you feared about our relationship. So, just letting you know, I am taking a breather, and call me whenever you need to. My life is always open to you, and I want to have you guys over for dinner sometime. I will learn to cook something for that occasion.
*You, sweetie, you need to take a serious breather. I think you are in a nine-foot-deep pool, and you are swimming way too fast. You are going to run out of breath or hit the edge before you realize it. So, head for the ladder out, and we can relax together and talk about the world.