And I thought I was doing a good job.

This is spontaneous and I don't want to post it, but, whatever. suck it up. I feel really not so good right now. I hate being a teenager and I hate being in highschool. grah. I don't want to deal with this stuff anymore...But friend and loneliness problems happen to everybody...
I try really hard to, I don't know, impress? Is impress the right word? I dunno. I try hard to impress my friends I guess. I do end up getting into what they like, and I start taking in the bits I really love about them and adapting it to myself... It's weird, hard to explain, but what I mean is that I put a lot of effort into getting along with, finding stuff to talk about with and all that kinda shit with them... And I constantly miss them. I always want to spend time with them. But I guess that's not true the other way around for a few. Like Alex. I try to invest a lot of time in him. I try to think of things to do, or talk about, and I do whatever he asks me to. I put up with him being mean to me, and whatever else he can throw at me. Not that he's awful. I just feel kinda attention-whorish because of how he reacts to me. I mean hell, I even answered texts way early in the morning asking for me to look up stuff about Pokemon EVs, yeah? But I always feel so lame when I talk to him, like he doesn't really care. Which is probably true. I don't know...it's nice to get a "thankyou" or know that you're appreciated.
Then even close people like Atti and Rhiannon and Kelsey. While I'm not having any sort of like, fight or major problem with any of them, I feel sooooo... not there. Not anywhere near them. Rhiannon goes to a different school so she's okay, its not her fault...I feel like, in 2nd place for Kelsey but that's how it always is... And then I feel extremely awkward with Atti. I thought calling him would make me feel better about all this 'cause he usually always does...'cause he's just...great... but it made me feel really weird, and when I got on his blog I just got all bummed and my heart sank down to where the glowing fishes live 'cause of his hating people post. Ugh... Then ...I just don't feel good...I feel so lonely. So so so lonely, stressed, inadequate, tired... Maybe I need to just. Become single. And stop caring about whether I talk to people or not... That's how I always used to be. So maybe I need to just...calm down...and go into a complete hault and revert back to my roooots... done, done, done with it all. I need sleep. horribly.


down with your face, boyy.


Muse told me:

People change I guess D: we shouldnt stress out so much about it. I mean, I think that you and I are the type of people who like everything thing to be A-OK all the time with our friends, and when it isnt it really gets to us. You invest alot of time and emotions into your friends, and thats not a bad thing at all. In fact, I'd say thats you being the best friend you can possibly be. But when its not returned, or when people are going through shit and theres nothing you can do about it, it hits hard.


And she really did hit home with it. I am obsessive about my friends. Obsessive, possessive... overly loving. So...sigh. I guess I really do need to just...back off and let them come to me if they truly love me... fuck.
I love you Muse.
you're my best friend.