Mmm...Cherry 7-up.

I don't even like pop that much. But this...this is delicious.
Anyway.
anyway.
anyway.
I actually don't quite know why I got this blog-thing. It was sortof completely random, did I really think I would post regularly? Whatever. I'll deal with it.
You know who I admire most? Chris Crocker. That guy recieves so much shit from so, so many people. All those comments- I'd hate to be him, I'd hate to go and look at something I put so much effort into, something I poured so much emotion into, and see the only thing 90% of people had to say is, "wow ur such a faggot" or "go die u stupid gay!!!!!1" I mean, really. I think I admire him as much as he admires Brittany Spears. Honest. Even with all these crap comments, he can be IN YOUR FACE and able to do everything he does despite all those hateful people. He's totally inspired me, I think he actually changed my life, as weird as it may sound. He really made me realize how great I really am, how confident I really am, and so much more. That and he makes me giggle. I love him so. I only wish I were a boy so I could marry him. Buut, that won't happen.
But, now I'm going to rant. It's not a very educated rant, but its just what I'm thinking right now. Gay hate. This is, of course, a response to, "Gay HATE on youtube!", and all the similar responses to it. These people are pouring their hearts out, but all people say are, "go suck a dick you ass jockey". I don't actually mind people who don't believe in it because of religion, or whatever...but the people who outright bash homosexuals, the ones that make threats, "I wanna but a gun to your head/run you over with my truck/etcetera", the ones that use words like "faggot", or "flamer", or whatever. I thought acceptance was getting better. But, ever since I started giving Kelsey kisses and hugs at school, and reading comments and all of this, I've realized that I must have been fantasizing when I thought that. America, as I see it, is a place where everybody is supposed to be accepting of others. Its where everybody- every race, orientation, religion- everybody, comes together and are accepting of each other. It should be a safe place for everyone, but that is obviously not true. When someone says they're scared to live here or that this country is too close minded, the straight people say, "WELL IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST LEAVE, ASSLICKER!" You know what? America is not supposed to be like this. America needs to be accepting of everybody. People should NOT BE SCARED TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES. PEOPLE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO LOVE ANYBODY THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE. Even simple stuff, me giving Kelsey a kiss, I get shit like, "EWWWWW!", "WHAT THE FUCK?", and other just unacceptable things. Not that it hurts me in any way, I just see it as not being able to accept or ignore if you don't agree with it. I don't do that to the straight people spooning, making out, touching, groping, and downright being disgusting all around me in the hallways and on the bus at school, in public, yet I get that from people when I give my friend a kiss. I think that's just not even...ugh. Freedom of speech shouldn't give you the right to make threats. It shouldn't give you the right to hate on people who aren't doing anything wrong, and even if you don't agree with it, I don't think it gives you the right to say, "if i was your dad, i would cave your skull in! ", or, even better, "Fucking fag bitch cunt avoider nub fuck head hole dick face chigger licker nub nub nub nub nub nub nub nub nub nub lolololololol nub fag dick head." Actual quotes from Chris' videos on youtube. I have always, always believed that if you love someone or something, its true and blue and good. So what if someone doesn't find the opposite sex attractive? Maybe its the way you damn heterosexuals act. Maybe its how DISGUSTED you people make them, with your inablility to treat your fellow human beings with kindness. Not that heterosexuals are the only people who are like this, but this is just the topic I'm writing about, so shut up with the technicalities. You people really make me sick to my stomach.

Back to happier things.
Which kindof takes me to one of the videos he posted, about first loves. It really made me think about how I feel about my whole first love experience, and how much I really dislike it when people who get so very upset over not being with their first love anymore. It is a sad thing, leaving someone you truly loved with all your heart. Even if I was the one who broke us up, I was still sad, you know. I really tried to fix it, and it just didn't work in the end. The really sad part is, I actually never got that first kiss, I never got to hold his hand or give him a hug, it was all verbal, even after four whole years. It really was wonderful, but it had to end eventually.
Ever since, I really focus on the good things, if I do think about it. How wonderful it was, how meaningful it was, how much that relationship taught me about...myself, everything. I like to look back and think about how perfect we felt, how amazingly strong we were, even though we were so far away from each other, how much we complemented each other, how hopeful we were and how much we strived on that hope that one day we would see each other every day and we'd be happy forever. It is a sad thing, a very very sad thing. But instead of looking back and saying, "where did it all go? why aren't we together anymore?" and being sad forever, I look back and let it take me to that place...So do I regret it? No. I don't regret anything. My first love was a wonderful thing.
And, ever since I initially broke up with him, I was trying to find myself. I was trying to figure out...Who am I? What's important to me? You know? And I think I finally found that, as my previous post suggested. I think I've truly figured that I do love myself, I do adore myself, I have confidence in myself and my passions and everything that I just never realized before, while I was obsessing and thinking only for US and not ME, which honestly, is most important. I should come before anybody else, and I think thats how it should be for everyone. Not saying that you shouldn't care about others, but I think confidence and reliance in yourself should come before reliance and confidence and clinginess to others.
And you know where I honestly realized these things? Chris Crocker. And my first love. And, myself. And perhaps a little bit of my friends- Rhiannon and Atticus.
I truly adore that man. I thank him and also everyone else I mentioned with everything I am and ever will be. :]