The other things I spend my time on

I'm really supposed to be writing a poem about Amy Tan's books because I've been a total asshole and haven't written them yet even though they're due tomorrow-- buuuut....I'm too spacey and smiley to even care. How horrible of me... I'll write it, I swear. I'll just do so when I lay down. Maybe I'll call Atticus really fast, first... See, this is what I do regularly. I procrastinate. And procrastinate. And procrastinate...until I can't handle it and I lose sleep. I don't mind, really, as long as I have fun doing it, but whatever. I don't approve of old photos of me being in your photobucket, you know. I'm just thinking so much about everything and nothing and about friends and family and sooo much. I just...need to have my spring break. Now. Now now now. ... Now. Please? Brain, fall unconsious and let me skip this week! Too much homework, not enough time, this week's gonna suck... But... It's worth it if I get to see Atticus next week. Or maybe Kelsey. Or. Or. Meeeeow! I'm excited! Can't you tell? I don't know, but I can hear the buzz of my cellphone. It's not ringing, it's buzzing because it's charging and that noise is forever going to be in my head. eww. And I also really hope my dress comes soon. :<

Man. Like... Isn't it weird how certain smells can bring you back to things you never remembered before? Today I was walking home from the bus stop, and I smelled...I don't even know- it smelled KINDOF like a barbeque, but really faint, and with just a little bit of... Outside. And car. I don't know, it was a pleasant smell but a weird smell, and I immediately got this image in my head from when I was younger. It was a picnic, I remember it clearly, I remember the table with the hotdogs on it and the chips and I remember the lake with the mean geese and the big climby sailboat. But, I don't know if it actually happened-- did it? If it did, it was before our house burnt down so I don't really remember... Such a weird feeling.

Then the dream I had last night.
Good god.
Not even getting into that.

What I've been doing as of late

40 Random Facts about ME.

1. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE drinks that resemble blood. Can be pomegranate, cranberry, anything-- if it looks like blood, I'll drink it. It's not like I even think about it, I just am drawn to it.
2. Same with food. If I can squish it and make it look like blood I'll be obsessive. This means I love love love love overly ripe dark cherries.
3. I'm a lot less perverted and a lot more level headed than a lot of you seem to think.
4. I actually don't like anime or manga that much, just a select few.
5. I also hate messes- when it comes to anything. I'm very tolerant of them, though.
6. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, but not exceedingly so.
7. I love skittles and starbursts (only when roasted like a marshmallow for starbursts though) and lollipops and gummy bears, but otherwise I pretty much only like chocolate candy.
8. I will forever wish to be a Pokemon Master when I grow up.
9. I love pictures of cute animals, I can't help it.
10. I like to take charge of projects and make other people work within the group. I don't seem like a leader type, but I love doing it and am pretty good at doing it, too.
11. I'm seriously afraid of being alone when I'm outside no matter where I am.
12. I'm more boyish than I probably let on. Yet, at the same time, I'm probably more girlish, too. I'm weird like that.
13. Blue raspberry is my favourite hard candy flavour for more than one reason.
14. I laugh at death even if I'm afraid of it. Especially when it's a puppy being tossed into a huge rocky pit, or a dead cat on the side of the road with a sign next to it saying, "FREE CAT".
15. I'm in love with Japanese/Korean/Chinese people. Female or male. I love them all.
16. I think Swedish+Japanese= The single most beautiful mix of races.
17. I believe I can only draw girly/androgynous boys because I can only draw things I find beautiful, and most men are not beautiful in my opinion.
18. Drag queens and similar things are my obsession, but everybody knows that already. I just wanted to put it on here.
19. I've always wanted to make people think I'm a boy crossdressing as a girl.
20. I've had a piece of paper with my blood blotted all over it in my wallet since the 8th grade.
21. I'm probably over-opinionated.
22. I secretly love fake eyelashes.
23. I want to marry Amanda Palmer.
24. People have said I look half Japanese and like Mana but I don't agree. (Even if I think I might might might make a decent Mana cosplay)
25. I tend to get very emotionally attatched to strange things.
26. I can't stand people who think animals are inferior to humans or humans are superior to animals. I don't think that's right.
27. I am very physical. I love cuddling with close friends. If I cuddle with you, I like and probably trust you a lot. If I don't, its either because you're not comfortable with it, or I don't like you that much.
28. I love my parents and don't understand it when others don't love theirs.
29. I don't like most men's appearances in general- so if you're a boy and I think you're highly attractive, feel good about yourself. I'm very very very picky.
30. I'm very obsessive over my friends and their well-being. I'll do anything for them, especially if they'd do anything for me, but that's never a requirement.
31. I don't like recieving gifts, but I love getting drawings.
32. I am constantly paranoid that I will offend somebody.
33. I become increasingly scared when people don't answer my emails/private messages/etcetera, even though I know I send a lot of them and rarely say anything worth responding to.
34. I say sorry waaay too much.
35. I'm extremely afraid of men I don't know.
36. I say "mew". I can't describe why or when I do it- though I do have a tendency to do it when I'm around people I have a crush on, or are more nervous around, or have nothing else to say. It's almost like me saying "like".
37. As much as I whine about my weight or appearance, I honestly think I'm really pretty, and I'm very happy with my weight.
38. I tend to like clothes and items that'd look good on a 10 year old girl. Note my panda pack and my love for lolita dresses. Pedobait = me.
39. I actually like colours despite wearing white, grey and black all the time.
40. I don't really like people that much and it takes a very long time for me to figure out somebody enough to trust them.

How exciting!

Another weekend to ponder my existence.
It really is exciting, as depressed as I sound about it! What will I do?
Will I draw? Will I clean my room? Will I waste time, or sew, or...?!
All I really know is... I'm getting a new pikachu doll! Excitement.
However, I feel kindof like...jerkish. And I really kinda miss Atti.
I wish this weekend were not easter weekend so we could have done something together.
But of course...
...
There are other times. I hope it works out soon.
La...

I also drew a picture for Coco. I hope she looks at it.

Squeak. That's all I had to say, really.
I wish I had more... But I'm a tad too disappointed to think of anything.
And a tad tired.
Maybe I shouldn't have blogged at all.
Ohwellll :3


Hmm...

Mmm...Cherry 7-up.

I don't even like pop that much. But this...this is delicious.
Anyway.
anyway.
anyway.
I actually don't quite know why I got this blog-thing. It was sortof completely random, did I really think I would post regularly? Whatever. I'll deal with it.
You know who I admire most? Chris Crocker. That guy recieves so much shit from so, so many people. All those comments- I'd hate to be him, I'd hate to go and look at something I put so much effort into, something I poured so much emotion into, and see the only thing 90% of people had to say is, "wow ur such a faggot" or "go die u stupid gay!!!!!1" I mean, really. I think I admire him as much as he admires Brittany Spears. Honest. Even with all these crap comments, he can be IN YOUR FACE and able to do everything he does despite all those hateful people. He's totally inspired me, I think he actually changed my life, as weird as it may sound. He really made me realize how great I really am, how confident I really am, and so much more. That and he makes me giggle. I love him so. I only wish I were a boy so I could marry him. Buut, that won't happen.
But, now I'm going to rant. It's not a very educated rant, but its just what I'm thinking right now. Gay hate. This is, of course, a response to, "Gay HATE on youtube!", and all the similar responses to it. These people are pouring their hearts out, but all people say are, "go suck a dick you ass jockey". I don't actually mind people who don't believe in it because of religion, or whatever...but the people who outright bash homosexuals, the ones that make threats, "I wanna but a gun to your head/run you over with my truck/etcetera", the ones that use words like "faggot", or "flamer", or whatever. I thought acceptance was getting better. But, ever since I started giving Kelsey kisses and hugs at school, and reading comments and all of this, I've realized that I must have been fantasizing when I thought that. America, as I see it, is a place where everybody is supposed to be accepting of others. Its where everybody- every race, orientation, religion- everybody, comes together and are accepting of each other. It should be a safe place for everyone, but that is obviously not true. When someone says they're scared to live here or that this country is too close minded, the straight people say, "WELL IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST LEAVE, ASSLICKER!" You know what? America is not supposed to be like this. America needs to be accepting of everybody. People should NOT BE SCARED TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES. PEOPLE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO LOVE ANYBODY THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE. Even simple stuff, me giving Kelsey a kiss, I get shit like, "EWWWWW!", "WHAT THE FUCK?", and other just unacceptable things. Not that it hurts me in any way, I just see it as not being able to accept or ignore if you don't agree with it. I don't do that to the straight people spooning, making out, touching, groping, and downright being disgusting all around me in the hallways and on the bus at school, in public, yet I get that from people when I give my friend a kiss. I think that's just not even...ugh. Freedom of speech shouldn't give you the right to make threats. It shouldn't give you the right to hate on people who aren't doing anything wrong, and even if you don't agree with it, I don't think it gives you the right to say, "if i was your dad, i would cave your skull in! ", or, even better, "Fucking fag bitch cunt avoider nub fuck head hole dick face chigger licker nub nub nub nub nub nub nub nub nub nub lolololololol nub fag dick head." Actual quotes from Chris' videos on youtube. I have always, always believed that if you love someone or something, its true and blue and good. So what if someone doesn't find the opposite sex attractive? Maybe its the way you damn heterosexuals act. Maybe its how DISGUSTED you people make them, with your inablility to treat your fellow human beings with kindness. Not that heterosexuals are the only people who are like this, but this is just the topic I'm writing about, so shut up with the technicalities. You people really make me sick to my stomach.

Back to happier things.
Which kindof takes me to one of the videos he posted, about first loves. It really made me think about how I feel about my whole first love experience, and how much I really dislike it when people who get so very upset over not being with their first love anymore. It is a sad thing, leaving someone you truly loved with all your heart. Even if I was the one who broke us up, I was still sad, you know. I really tried to fix it, and it just didn't work in the end. The really sad part is, I actually never got that first kiss, I never got to hold his hand or give him a hug, it was all verbal, even after four whole years. It really was wonderful, but it had to end eventually.
Ever since, I really focus on the good things, if I do think about it. How wonderful it was, how meaningful it was, how much that relationship taught me about...myself, everything. I like to look back and think about how perfect we felt, how amazingly strong we were, even though we were so far away from each other, how much we complemented each other, how hopeful we were and how much we strived on that hope that one day we would see each other every day and we'd be happy forever. It is a sad thing, a very very sad thing. But instead of looking back and saying, "where did it all go? why aren't we together anymore?" and being sad forever, I look back and let it take me to that place...So do I regret it? No. I don't regret anything. My first love was a wonderful thing.
And, ever since I initially broke up with him, I was trying to find myself. I was trying to figure out...Who am I? What's important to me? You know? And I think I finally found that, as my previous post suggested. I think I've truly figured that I do love myself, I do adore myself, I have confidence in myself and my passions and everything that I just never realized before, while I was obsessing and thinking only for US and not ME, which honestly, is most important. I should come before anybody else, and I think thats how it should be for everyone. Not saying that you shouldn't care about others, but I think confidence and reliance in yourself should come before reliance and confidence and clinginess to others.
And you know where I honestly realized these things? Chris Crocker. And my first love. And, myself. And perhaps a little bit of my friends- Rhiannon and Atticus.
I truly adore that man. I thank him and also everyone else I mentioned with everything I am and ever will be. :]

I haven't felt this way in years.

I'm sitting here anxiously. I feel restless and nervous and scared. I feel like I'm opening a present that could potentially be a bomb to my heart; or, perhaps, a flower with a sweet scent that will ease every sense of worry I ever had. I feel tired and about to collapse from this long, exciting day, but so curious that I must stay awake. I can't keep my eyes fixed on the words I long to read, I am afraid of the answer. I hope this doesn't change anything, but I hope it changes everything, too.

Photobucket survey

Boredom. I'll probably delete this eventually. :3

1. The age you will be on your next birthday.


2. Place you want to go?

3. Your favorite place?

4. Your favorite object?

5. Your favorite food?

6. What is your favorite animal?

7. What is your favorite color?

8. Town in which you were born?

9. Town in which you live?

10. Name of your pet?

11. Name of the person you love?

12. Your nickname?


13. Your middle name?


14. Your last name?


15. Your first job?


16. Your grandmother's name?


17. What did you want to be when you grew up?


18. What kind of car do you drive?


19. What color hair do you have?


20. What is the closest holiday to your birthday?


21. What color are your eyes?

22. Who is your celebrity crush?

23. Who is you favorite actor?

24. Who is your favorite actress?

25. Your cell phone?

Pink Pink Violet

Pull me down into the grass, colour with playfully pink crayons and lets sing songs without weight on our shoulders, lets pick daisies and pretend to be the birds, lets pretend to get married and stand under the blossoms of the trees, and blush like when we were small. Lets eat sweet things, dance, smile, laugh, be innocently cheerful-- please; lets do everything together, because you already make my life all the better.

Screw calendars.
Spring begins when the cherry blossoms first begin to bloom.
Summer begins when everything's green and lively and I am relaxed.
Fall begins when the leaves begin to turn orange, red, and yellow.
Winter begins when the leaves are gone.

You have the morales of a pebble deep inside the earth's crust. Just because you're old, doesn't mean you're wise, most definitely. In fact, I think it means you've gone completely senile and you need to be put down, taken from the world like my dearest Foxy was taken from me so long ago. I'm okay with that now, by the way. I'm okay with a lot of things. I'm not with others, but I'm content nonetheless.
Good versus evil- what are humans? That's the discussion we had today. It was really tough. There are so many circumstances we need to consider. I think people are good in nature, not bad. I mean. That's what I'd truly love to believe. I'd love to believe that everybody has a least a little speck of goodness in them, a tiny sparkly sitting in the cold, violent waters that is humanity. Knowing myself, I'm not all good. I get horrible thoughts sometimes. But at the same time, I never mean it... And who am I to say people are evil or good in nature? Just because some people give into temptation doesn't mean they're evil... Usually, people do things for the greater good, at least in their opinion. To them it doesn't seem bad. That doesn't necessarily make it good, per se, but... I mean, in anybody's opinion something could be bad. Good and evil is completely subjective, actually. Who's to really say what's good, and what's bad? It's just like my obsession over drag queens and homosexuals and girly men. Most people would mumble under their breath or hit me because of it because they think its wrong, but I wouldn't see it that way because I'm so used to it. You know? It's a lot like that... Most everything is subjective...all depends on how you grow up... Then again, does it make you evil, despite the fact that you don't know anything else? Was Hitler evil, in that sense? Technically, no. Maybe my logic is flawed. I'll go sleep now.

I feel sick... How romantic.

There is one star.... It is faded, and it used to be innocently white and full of life... This star has stuck around for a long time. I love it, I care for it... But I seem to have looked another way. The white star has faded to blue into the absolute loneliness of space, never coming closer, never leaving, never staying, the promises once made never kept... It seems to be taking backwards steps emotionally. I do love it. I do care for it. Where is it going? Everything I ever do will remind me of it in the back of my head... Honestly, I will miss it and everything it gave me forever.
_________________
There is something called ash; it just so happens to be those specks I see in my eye when I stare too long into space. They're really annoying, a thing of the past coming to haunt me, and my apple tree. I need to learn to ignore them, but whenever these feelings come up, I start to wonder, what would happen if I had not met the fire that spit ash at me in the first place? This wildfire, such a stupid thing, full of rage and lies, anger... Was it pity, is this regret? Or is this feeling truly hatred?
_________________
There is this apple tree, I love her and I know I do. In this whole mess, she is the only thing I am sure of. She is so wonderful to me, I definitely love her so, everything about her. The only reason I wake up every morning and drag myself to the places I do not want to go.... I love her flowers, her leaves, her thin fragile branches...Just being close leaves me content. I love it. I will protect it, for it is mine, it is beautiful, and something special.
_________________
There is another star, I do not know it well, still. I miss it a lot. I talk about it a lot, to my friends on my planet. It is really an astounding person from what I know already. Why do I feel so strongly? The star is sweet and kind much unlike a lot of people I know. It also has me confused. It makes me walk like a spinda. What? I have no idea. It is a very complex thing, this star. I do not feel complete the days I do not see or hear from it, so I do not feel so good. I have not seen it in a while. I really really do miss it. When will I see my star again? I do not think it would feel how I feel anyway... I guess I just need time to think. That's good for everyone.

___________

The feelings are right, but wrong, so wrong, but so right- they grow like a single pink rose from my little heart, its petals passionately painted like blush on my cheeks, its leaves, everything, pristine and perfect in so many ways. I pray the petals do not wither, ever. I do so enjoy this feeling, but... This rose is lonely all my itself. Can roses grow from a star, the same way a rose has grown from me?

Where did this come from, really? I need to just stop and sit in the dark for a while. Thanks...