Really good, really weird weekend: moodswing edition

I hate posts like these because they're boring, but I don't care. Suck it up. I want to write about it.

My weekend's been really good. Only one down side. I'm pretty happy with the turn-out though. This may be the best weekend I've had in a long time.
Friday. I went to the anime club party after getting my hair cut. MY HAIR LOOKS SO GOOD I'M SO DELIGHTED~ Seriously, looks magnificent. I missed my hair being short. Though it does make me oddly fatter-looking. I don't know how that works, but I don't care, it's so nice. The anime club party was fun too. While most of the others played capture the flag, Dustin, Brian and I played with flowers, and then all of us went up to the classroom to eat and talk and all that good stuff. Kelsey left only a few minutes in my being there...but whatever. I always end up convincing people to leave early; so the group of Samantha, Jennifer, Dustin, Brian, Maegyn and I all went out and played monkey in the middle with Maegyn's drifloon plushie. Hehehe. I felt a little bad but it was rather funny at the same time. Then we went to the teriyaki resturaunt in town and I bought everybody food and bubble tea. AUGH it was so good. But while Brian and Jennifer were at the counter getting more bubble tea, I threw a piece of jelly at Dustin. He spat a huge mouth full at me. DISGUSTED. So we basically had a war. Nasty. It was so nasty. I had spit-covered pineapple jellies all over my shirt and arms, and some rice too for good measure. What a jerk. We headed back to the school, where Dustin put the cup-caps from the bubble-tea under his shirt, which made him look like he had breasts. Breasts that went out, then became flat all of a sudden, and when you touched them they crinkled. It was good times.
I brought Samantha home with me. We pretty much chilled. We played Pokemon and we made instant mashed potatos at midnight, then fell asleep. In the morning we made probably THE coolest Pokemon photomanip EVER. Here...


We also did this:



After dropping Samantha off, my mother, Alex and I went to an SCA event to see my da, watch a play and indulge ourselves in carnivore night. Mmm. Meat. Meat, brownies, and more meat. Delicious. The play, I didn't expect to be very good. We went mostly because we wanted to see a certain person mess up, but it was really pretty funny. Every line in it was a joke, almost. I don't know what else to say aside from that, and one of the people in it looked like Amanda Palmer, so...it made me giggle even more.
Sunday...Was a chill day. I had slept on the couch so my back hurt a bit, but awh well. I got up, had breakfast, and got on the computer to check my email and... Laaaa. Got dumped? Yeahhhh. That made Sunday a little hard. What a way to start the day. I don't actually know how to feel about the whole deal, but I do know I am a little crushed by it. But whatever... I decided I don't want to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend for at least a year. I dunno. I feel as if, now, I honestly don't need anybody. All having a girlfriend or boyfriend does is cause anxiety for me. What am I doing? Is it right? Am I doing the right things for him/her? Enough or not enough? I don't know. I only know that I really don't want anybody for a long while. That was my day, honestly, I couldn't stop thinking. Not once. I raked my brain for answers and let emotions spill out...by biting the inside of my lip and making sure I didn't cry. Even if I did. Blah. But yeah. I couldn't sleep or anything. The highlight of my day was calling Atti and Bunny and talking to them for an hour or so... about peanut butter and other things? Lah. I love these people.
This morning I woke up at 5 AM. I wondered, why the hell wasn't my alarm going off? It HAD to be past 7, right? No, it was 5, and I could barely go back to sleep. I swear. Whenever I want to sleep, just like yesterday with naps, I couldn't even though I was trying really hard to calm down and just sleep. Thoughts rampaged. I didn't get that either- why do I really care anymore? Why am I so damn upset? I didn't lose anything. It's over, I don't care, I'm better off by myself. That didn't stop me from laying there until 7, getting up at that time, and dragging my feet around the house with my arms crossed. Damn the house was cold in the morning. The outside was too, maybe that's why. Nobody was awake, of course, so it felt really lonely. Noone to say goodmorning to but myself. That normally doesn't bother me, but when I feel like that, it's always nice to see a smiling face, you know?
I got a bunch of my clothes ready. What to wear? I was going to wear my jigglypuff shirt with a flowy mahogany skirt, my striped stockings and my cat shoes with my scarf... But I decided I'd wear my long stripey bunny hoodie instead. I dunno. Seemed more fitting for the day. And more comfortable. I stepped into the bathroom, set my crap on the floor, and took a shower. It felt really good. It really helps me calm down and just... Well, you get it. I felt a little better in the shower, but when I stepped back out I started bawling? Where did that come from? Jesus. I feel overly emotional. The thing that set me off though was not what happened yesterday: it was my leg. Stupid leg. Yesterday I had noticed it felt really weird when I pulled my stockings up, on the left side of my thigh. I thought it was just me wearing the tights too long. But, no, when I had taken them off this morning to wash them after my shower, I noticed that part of my leg was slightly swollen and NUMB. I can't feel a thing even now, and I'm wondering if its a pinched nerve? It's like...eck. Bothers the crap out of me, and that set me off I guess...
But that's no big deal. I got dressed, and did my short, beautiful hair, and got in the car to go to Seattle.
Yessss.... Excited. I still felt bad for having Atti and everyone get there early for me to only be there like, two hours, but it was alright. I mean other people were going to show up almost right after I left. And I wish my voice hadn't hurt so much. I didn't say too much so I must have seemed shy, but I didn't mean to... The group was rather entertaining anyway. And god I missed Atti. It was nice to see him. Right when I saw him, I ran super fast and tackled him. It...kindof hurt my chest for a few minutes, but it was worth it to scare the heck out of him. I got to meet Bunny and spend time with Tennessee Rose for the first time, too. It was gooood. Folklife was interesting too. Kindof weird. Lots and lots of strange people. Dad got a bagpipes CD that's actually pretty good... But wow. Weird to the extreme. We basically just sat and enjoyed each other's company, and laughed at folk singers and passerbys. I felt really happy with these people. I need to get together with them more often. Even if Tennessee's dog, Dill, licked me in the mouth, I had a really nice time just doing nothing with everybody. Also, I thought I'd feel weird around Atti and Bunny. I dunno. I just did. I feel bad saying it but I did feel like I'd be a little off with it- but nawh. They're so cute. I need to have them over sometime.
I got home around 2:20 and I pretty much immediately fell asleep. I was tiiiired. I didn't have any dreams, but it was a nice sleep. I woke up depressed again. Its just gah. I don't even KNOW. It's just so weird to feel like this all the time without even thinking about anything sad, even knowing that everything's okay. Mwa. Awh well. I'll feel better soon, I think, and I... ... I dunno. I don't caree. Anyway, that's all that's happened to me. I'm pleased.

The Point of it All

Oh what a noble distiguished collection of fine little friends you have made
hitting the tables without you again no we'll wait no we promise we'll wait
june makes these excellent sewing machines out of common industrial waste
she spends a few months at a time on the couch
but she's safe she wears shades she wears shades
oh but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll
and you're racist for playing along
you're only human after all
and youre learning that just 'cause they call themselves friends doesnt mean they'll call
they made the comment and just
but you've got the needle
I guess that's the point of it all

maybe a week in the tropics would help to remind you how nice life can be
we propped you right up in a chair on the deck with a beautiful view of the sea
but a couple weeks later we came back and you and the chair were nowhere to be seen
you had magically moved to the closet eyes fixed on the place where the dryer had been
oh but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll
and you're racist for playing along
you're almost human after all
why on earth would I keep you locked up in here
when you so love the fall
well the patterns laid out on the bed
with dozens of colors of thread
but you've got the needle I guess that's the point in the end

it's better to waste your day watching the scenery change at a comatose rate
and to put yourself in and turn into one of those cigarette ads that you hate
but while you were sleeping some men came around and said they had some dementions to take
i'm not sure what they were talking about but they sure a mess of your face
but no one can stare at the wall as good as you my baby doll
and you're racist for playing along
you're almost human even now
and just cause they call themself experts doesnt mean that they'll call
they've got the permanent price
and the homes with a stable address
and they've got excitement
and life by the fistful
but you've got the meaning
i guess that's the point of it all

wiggle room

screw capitalization. today is not a day for capitalizing.
tomorrow, i really need to see Atti. at any cost.
at any cost at all.
oh look a capital, just for you chicky.
i dunno...
while i feel...kindof at ease, i'm actually extremely crushed.
there's something inside me that feels like... not... right anymore.
but... its what needed to be done i guess?
aw well.
i'll paint something today.
maybe that'll make me feel better.
i better get to see Atti i swear to god.
or i'll flip.
out.
badly.


...



mweehhh...

bam
dead
gone
bye.

Dear future self,

Life is pretty much failing me. I've not got much done. I've got no awards and no recognition because I don't do anything. I paint and draw and colour and sing and dance but nobody looks and nobody goes out of their way to notice aside from the select few who turn their heads in my classrooms and tell me, "I wish I could do that", "I envy your skills". I don't mind that. I hope you are doing better to get yourself out there, though. I also hope you look back at this note and laugh. I hope you laugh really hard. I hope that my pessimistic views on the world will change. At the same time, I hope they don't. Ever. I hope you made a difference in how people think. I know it's a big thing to hope for, but I hope you get out there and make some form of a mark. Everyone hopes that, I think, for themselves. I know that. But I don't care, I still hope you change the world, or at least, let the world know what you think. Or even, just a small community in the underground worlds of Seattle...Something. However you do it, I don't care, just do it. Also, go marry Amanda Palmer, even though she's still way older than you. Anyway, here are some notes I'd like you to read from your teenage self in her little teenage world.
First off, I want to say that I'm not really one to judge people right off the bat. I never look at someone and say, "Jesus Christ- she's so dumb! I hate her!" I don't respect people who do that. I hope you're not like that. I don't want to be you if you do. But either way, keep that in mind while reading my views on people here.
I hate people. I really do. I tried. So hard. I tried so hard to start liking people. I always, my whole entire life, avoided people. People thought I was ugly, and fat, and weird. I was told that on a day-to-day basis for many many years. In return, I thought they were all ugly. And normal. We don't mix, never did, never will. Found that out. There are a few people I admire. I'll keep admiring some people, and maybe even new people if I find anybody new that deserve my admiration. Obviously I'm not going to shut everybody out. But I'm a critical person. I always have been. Trying to put that nature behind me is wrong, I think. I can be a hyper critical bitch if I want to be. But, I'll also always be a humble, caring person too.
Some people live in this bubble and can't say anything to the world aside from what's happening to them. No relevant opinions. No vocabulary. No brain. Nothing to back them up aside from a makeup covered face an expensive bag and a Mercedes the parents they so hate bought them for their sixteenth birthday. All they have is their little circle of friends they tell their little life stories to, and then back stab repeatedly. The horror stories from the junior high (and stuff from my school too) scare the crap out of me. Is being disrespectful in style? Sure as hell seems like it. If you have children I am afraid for you. I am afraid for your and what you have to go through every day. I hope your, my children do not end up like them.
And whenever I look at these people... I say, "I wish the world were less like this". I always do. But when I really think about it... I don't. I don't wish the world were more responsible. I don't wish everyone thought like I do. Because then I wouldn't be the same person. I wouldn't be me, I'd just be an average person, and so would everybody that stands out in this world. I wouldn't wish it upon the world even with my life on the line. A perfect world where everyone is at least somewhat intelligent, where people cared about others and everything around them rather than themselves and where nobody was a backstabbing, close-minded asshole is not what I want. I like this world...I like being able to complain and see the world from the view I see it from. I guess it's a bit of a roundabout that way.

Until next time.

Attractiveness

Number two. I've been thinking about my tastes in people lately. Especially males, because I generally do not find males to be that attractive unless they're super androgynous or crossdressing. Sooo, I tried to come up with a few more male-ish males that I found attractive. Here we go.




Sweeney Todd.



Edward Scissorhands.



Voltaire.

Umm...that's it as far as specific people go: I do tend to like young Japanese boys, but that barely counts because a lot of them look like Japanese girls. Hurr. Also note, two of them are not even real people. Maybe aside from a few male friends I know that I think are attractive, but it's mostly because of their personalities and girly fashion sense. So they don't count. Go me, this is as straight as I get, I figure.
BUT THEN.
There is the mass of androgynous, crossdressing and gay males,
as well as females. That are very.
very.
very.
attractive.
Like...



Amanda Palmer.



Jeffree Star.



Chris Crocker.



Mana.

And many others, but I've already posted a lot of them.
Pshhhhhhhh, is it weird?

Social taboos and other things like that. Yeah.

Okay. Well. These are the general, huge topics most people decide what's right or wrong, without ACTUALLY thinking about it. I've taken the liberty of ACTUALLY thinking about it, and with my set of skewed morales, I'll talk about them.

1. Eating meat. I'm neither pro, or con.
I don't like people who become vegetarians because "it's wrong to eat meat". Oh yeah? Then why the hell do we have canine teeth, Einstein? Is it wrong, really? Do Lions eat tofu when we're not looking? No. They don't. Don't be a smart ass. And it's TOTALLY IRONIC that they yell at people like me for eating meat at all, because it's wrong. The animal died to be on your plate. Okay, well, what do you eat? You eat nuts, and veggies, and wheat/grain, and tofu. You know how many field animals die a year in heavy machinery during the harvest of those things? Billions. Is that any better? And what, you aren't going to change your ways, even if you do know it because you're too damn lazy to grow your own food? Good job saving the world, hypocrite. Most vegetarians do it for the image anyway, in my opinion. I don't think half of them know what it is about.
I'm okay with it if they did their research and deemed it unhealthy, or abusive, or anything like that, because that's what I do. I do my research, and I don't eat meat from certain places, and certain types of meat. I eat fish, chicken, cow, turkey, and I'd eat a duck if I had the chance. I will NOT eat chicken from Foster Farms, or KFC, I do NOT eat fast food for the most part. I buy my meat from local farmers. Not everybody gets the chance to do this, but if you really want to help animals out, I suggest NOT EATING FOSTER FARMS OR KFC, IT IS CHEAP FOR A REASON (you can't tell me the abuse tastes good). I also don't eat deer, sheep, pigs, or any animal aside from the five types I listed above. I think it's really nasty.
2. Hunting. I'm mostly against this. It's okay ONLY if you actually plan to use the animal for something other than a trophy, and you use at least half of the animal. Please. I know it's hard, but that's the only way I see it as being even somewhat humane. Otherwise, all you're doing is killing a bunch of mostly defenseless forest animals who probably would never have seen humans, harmed humans, or anything their whole lives. They didn't do anything to deserve being shot in the head, measured, left for dead, used as a trophy or otherwise. It's probably the most disgusting, least respectable sport I can think of. Oh, that's so cool, you shot a small rabbit in the head, good job, I think you should be elected as president for your amazing victory over a rabbit. Goddamnit. It's making me sick thinking about it.
3. Drugs and smoking. I'm against big drugs like meth. Well, actually, the only drug I'm okay with is marijuana. Maybe ecstasy, but that's just because I really like that word. Quite frankly, if someone wants to ruin their lives, let them. They're stupid, so they'll die early, and have less of a chance of procreating because of their low sperm count. I think marijuana should be legalized because it'll bring a lot of money into our economy. For one, we wouldn't need to do as many drug busts and uphold as many stupid, useless, money wasting laws, and then if we brought it in you'd be able to sell it like tobacco: SUPER HIGH taxes. Which means, MONEY. But since that won't happen, they should get rid of smoking and drinking too. I think that's another really lame thing about the whole deal: no marijuana, but you can go ahead and give yourself lung cancer or shrink your brain with your alcoholism. Gosh. All or none, that's what I say. All except meth I mean.
4. The big one: abortion. This one's a hard one to talk about. Don't read it if you don't like people who are pro choice. I think it should DEFINITELY be legalized. Yes. It's sad. Horribly sad. But, not as sad as a child who grows up lonely, or wondering if their parents really loved them. Not a child born by a victim of rape or stupidity, forced to be kept as "punishment": "I'm mommy's punishment", wow, good job. Not as sad as a child who is retarded, or horribly deformed and needs surgery all his life. Is that really fair? Is that really a life worth living? Sure the child could become something great. The child could also become a serial killer. I don't think that should be a factor in anything, especially if the child is born to an unwed teenage trailer trash mother.
Why should men be making these rules? Also, I don't think men should have ANY say in abortions. Aside from the fathers, maybe, but I don't think men should be making rules against it. They're not the ones with little time bombs in their uterus. Oh wait, they don't even have a uterus. I bet if we made some law against masturbation because every sperm is sacred, they'd freak the fuck out. Also, religion should NOT be a part of it.
I think, however, it should be limited to the following criteria:
*A child who would be born extremely deformed or anything else that'll cause it to be extremely uncomfortable in life.
*It'll cause harm to the mother.
*The mother is a teenager or other person who just can't go through with it emotionally or because of money. (Because you know, actually birthing the baby is not free, sure you can give it up for adoption, but look at all the kids who end up depressed because of adoption, and the hospital bills...)
*Rape victims, obviously.
OBVIOUSLY it should not be allowed more than like, once a year. It should NOT be used as a birth control method, it takes a toll on the mother's body, and its really quite disgusting to use it as a birth control method. Even I think that. I'm not all cruel.
(Did you know that you're considered a genetic mutation if you start out as trailer trash and end up successful? Because its actually in your genes, not how you're raised or your experiences or anything like that, that determines how you'll be when you grow up? So a person who starts out as a dog, will more than likely, stay a dog.)
5. Teenage sex. I'm a little on the fence with this one so it may sound shaky, and a little biased because of my weird romantic history (ask and I'll tell, but I'm not going to talk about it here). People like me become really afraid of sex because of how adults say: "IF YOU HAVE SEX ONCE YOU'LL GET AIDS/GET PREGNANT", everybody looks down on people who have aids or any other sexual disease, even though there are people who weren't sexually active who have those diseases too. Sure, sleeping around with 100 people before the age 18 is freaking DISGUSTING and you'll PROBABLY get aids and other diseases from that, but... Why scare kids into never having sex, like they're doing? It's right if you're careful about it.
The problem is that most kids ARE NOT careful about it. I realize that. Hell, I'm not afraid to admit I'm not a virgin though, and most of my best friends aren't either. I'm not saying that's good or bad. I always was for waiting until marriage, but if the time's right...do it. If you've been with them, and are careful and are able to trust them, do it. Honest. I guess my biggest thing is the fact that adults are putting sooo much pressure on kids, like sex is horrible and is going to ruin your life. It's not the horrible thing it's made out to be. Honest. If you're ready, go for it. If you're not, wait.

I'd cover homosexuality but I've done that around a hundred times already. So there you go. My rants for you.

An apple a day.

I have definitely learned something these past couple weeks. No, really, I have. It has been probably the most melancholy, down, lonely couple of weeks I have ever experienced, and I have learned a few things about myself, life and a few people I know that I really would like to jot down.
First off, myself. I can never actually let go of anything. I often try to convince myself that everything is okay and maybe for a day or two, I really will be fine and dandy, but the cycle always repeats itself. I need to learn how to handle my feelings better. Now, others. I cannot always expect the same feelings towards others, or the same things from others, and I should really stop treating others like they are NPCs in a video game. Two people are not the same. Two relationships are never the same. So why should I expect the same things from two totally, entirely different and separate relationships, when they give me equally good feelings?
Why should I expect so much from people, anyway? It is not like I give that much to anybody. The most I really give anybody is a, "Oh, I'm sorry, anything I can do to help?", or a "Oh, that's cute!" or a weird look that makes them think I believe they are nut jobs and they should hide their real personality from me to make me stop looking at them like I had been. Maybe even the occasional "Everything will be alright, I promise", or "meow", but...really. I just need to learn to take things in stride. I need to get myself out there and make some sort of a difference.
Also. I am sure you have noticed. People are so goddamn stupid. For a while, I really was adjusting to people. I still am. I still adore many more people than I used to. I see more things in others that I never saw before, because I always focused on the bad sides, and I believed that everyone was ugly. But that is not true. Only SOME are. I say this because of a few people I encounter at school every day. Um, well, especially this one kid. He is not all bad. Really. He is just so outrageously stupid that he makes me want to beat the everliving shit out of him. Instead, I just cheer him on. Whenever I walk by, he meows, hisses or barks at me because I wear a cat hat. Ohh, you are so clever, you smug little rascal! So I meow back and hold my hand up like a paw. Just like a STUPID little chimp, he laughs and jumps around and points with his DOLTISH little thick-headed monkies of friends. It really makes my day, watching people like this. Really, really, really, I must say. However, it makes me sad that so many kids are like this. Makes me wonder what kind of world my kid will end up growing up in. I swear, one more generation of inbreeding and we'll have ourselves a new breed of retard. Oh well, world will probably end in a couple of years anyway.
One last thing. Is it wrong to hate someone who is retarded in any way because of the way they act, even though technically, they do not know any better? I would honestly like to know. This almost relates to my good versus evil post... I mean... it really is the same thing. They do not know any better, so it does not make what they do wrong. But is disliking them because of what they do wrong? I mean. I know two. This one, the first thing she said to me was, "Wow. I HATE you.", and ever since I really have not liked her one bit. I try. It is not like I go out of my way to be nice OR mean to her, or the guy, but just everything they do BOTHERS ME SO BADLY that I just ignore them even if they are addressing me. So... I do not know. I feel bad whenever I talk about it, is it wrong? Raugh.

Some more random shout-outs- you need to guess which one's yours, since I don't want to put names on here:

*I feel bad for never saying anything really lovely about you. I do not think I treat you as well as I should. I just want to let you know that every time I think of you, I slouch low in my chair and smile wide, my eyes closed and I am as comfortable as if you were there with me. Then I always imagine us taking a nap together, or...just, anything, together, happy. You make me feel so intensely lighthearted that...I do not even know how to describe it. But, thank you. I love you darling.
*I love you. I love you so, so much. And you tell me you love me too. But, what makes you think I would consider you as a lover, when I have seen you push through over five different boys within a few months time? What makes you think you will value me any more than those people, who loved you? You really need to consider my feelings too, hon.
*I miss you so freakishly much; but I fear that I am imposing. I am very happy for you and her, I am. I wonder if my feelings are of jealousy or something, but then I remember what we talked about that one night, and I realize now that I am feeling exactly what you told me you feared about our relationship. So, just letting you know, I am taking a breather, and call me whenever you need to. My life is always open to you, and I want to have you guys over for dinner sometime. I will learn to cook something for that occasion.
*You, sweetie, you need to take a serious breather. I think you are in a nine-foot-deep pool, and you are swimming way too fast. You are going to run out of breath or hit the edge before you realize it. So, head for the ladder out, and we can relax together and talk about the world.

Bleeding hearts

Your vocabulary, soft and smiling, adorned with darlings, honeys and dears, makes my heart flutter with the deepest feeling of content. That is the single most truthful statement that could ever possibly be made, the first that always makes its way into my conscious thought. So what do you think of a dandilion, my tantalizing treat? Does it fulfill your deepest desires, or do I need to reach deeper into the flower pot? Perhaps you'd prefer a pastel daisy, or even, a violently blushing dicentra? To me, your choice does not matter: for I only wish to please you. However, I must comment that the dicentra is my favourite. The significant symmetry in its curves, perfectly painted petals, and bloody, romantic metaphors are something to die for. But that is just me- you may prefer something simpler; and that simplicity itself is something to adore.